Diapers, simple layers of cotton surrounded by plastic. Such an innocuous item but it carried a great deal of weight for me in the beginning. Diapers were the second fetish I found out my husband had and sadly, they were the hardest for me to deal with. There were two reasons why I had such a problem with them.
The first issue stemmed from the fact that Rant had kept his fascination and use of them secret from me for quite awhile. When he finally did tell me the truth, it felt like a slap in the face. I was hurt and infuriated at the betrayal. "How could he do that to me?" was the question that kept hammering through my head. Did he not trust me? Did he really think I would hate him or leave him? The simple answer was no, he didn't trust me. He did believe I would think him a freak and ultimately leave him. Too bad simple answers don't work in situations like this. It was very easy in that moment to take the route of righteous indignation and condemn my husband's actions. Again, easy routes like simple answers, do not apply. I needed to stop and ask myself a few brutal questions. How did I feel about his fetish? Did I think is was weird, gross or freakish? Would I leave him for it? Those questions led me to my second issue.
When I put aside the trust issues I began evaluating how I felt about the diaper wearing itself. I had worked for several years as a CNA and had dealt with plenty of patients that did not have a choice about wearing a diaper and it was such a source of guilt and shame for them that diapers held a very negative connotation for me. The idea that a healthy young man would choose to wear and use a diaper was incomprehensible for me. That's when I started to do some research of my own. I met up online with several DLs (diaper lovers) and began listening to their stories. It didn't take long for one theme to becoming frighteningly clear. Many DLs were terribly lonely. Either they had told their spouse and it ultimately ended their marriage or their spouse knew but was thoroughly unwilling to accept the fetish. Many DLs were forced to give up their diapers or use them in secret. Forced to live that part of their life alone, never capable of including the one person in the whole that meant the most to them. As I read one man's story I pictured my husband and I started crying. I was doing the same thing to Rant. I did think the diaper wearing was gross. I did think that changing him would be a chore. I did want him to be "normal". I gave him all the reasons in the world to want to hide them from me. I gave him the reason to be terrified to tell me the truth because I was not being accepting. That's when I realized I had been the one to make the mistake.
Do I believe that my husband should have kept his diaper use from me? No. Do I think it is ok to hide that from one's spouse? No. Do I understand now why he did? You bet I do. Fear is a powerful thing and although it does not give a person the right to keep secrets or lie to those closest to them, it still must be taken into account when evaluating any situation. I realized that if I stepped down off my high horse for a few moments I could begin to understand that this was an opportunity. An opportunity to prove to my Rant that he could trust me with anything. That no matter how unique his tastes were I would accept him. And that is precisely what I did. I took to buying him diapers, letting him wearing them whenever he wanted, and even putting a rule in the house that only I can change him. Why the rule? Because it was a way to symbolize my desire to take his hand and walk this path with him. A way to let him constantly know that he was never going to force him to walk alone. I would always be by his side and I would always accept all of him. It was a way for me to say, "I love you".
To this day I do not regret my decision to accept and participate in his fetish. In fact, I love that such a small action on my part can bring him so much joy. I love the fact that I am important enough to him that he would want to include me. In the end, the only thing that matters now is what mattered when we first got married, that I love him. All of him.
